When we start looking for a long-term partner or enter into a
romantic relationship, many of us do so with a predetermined set of (often
unrealistic) expectations such as how the person should look and behave, how
the relationship should progress, and the roles each partner should fulfill.
These expectations may be based on your family history, influence of your peer
group, your past experiences, or even ideals portrayed in movies and TV shows.
However, retaining many of these unrealistic expectations can make any
potential partner seem inadequate and any new relationship feel disappointing.
Consider what's really important when looking for love
The first step to finding a suitable partner is to distinguish
between what you want and
what you need in a
partner. Wants are negotiable, needs are not. Wants include the things you
think you'd like in a partner, including occupation, intellect, and physical
attributes such as height, weight, and hair color. Even if certain traits may
appear to be crucially important to you at first, over time you'll often find
that you've been needlessly limiting your choices. For example, it may be more
important, or at least as important, to find someone who is:
Ø Curious rather than extremely intelligent.
Curious people tend to grow smarter over time, while those who are bright may
languish intellectually if they lack curiosity.
Ø Sensual rather than sexy.
Ø Caring rather than beautiful or handsome.
Ø A little mysterious rather than glamorous.
Ø Humorous rather than wealthy.
Ø From a family with similar values to yours,
rather than someone from a specific ethnic or social background.
Needs are different than wants in that needs are those things
that matter to you most, such as values, ambitions, or goals in life. These are
probably not the things you can find out about a person by eyeing them on the
street, reading their profile on a dating site, or sharing a quick cocktail at
a bar before last call.
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