If you’re struggling with out-of-control anger,
you may be wondering why your fuse is so short. Anger problems often stem from
what you’ve learned as a child. If you watched others in your family scream,
hit each other, or throw things, you might think this is how anger is supposed
to be expressed. Traumatic events and high levels of stress can make you more
susceptible to anger as well.
Anger is often a cover-up for other feelings
In order to get your needs met and express your
anger in appropriate ways, you need to be in touch with what you are really
feeling. Are you truly angry? Or is your anger masking other feelings such as
embarrassment, insecurity, hurt, shame, or vulnerability?
If your knee-jerk response in many situations is
anger, it is very likely that your temper is covering up your true feelings and
needs. This is especially likely if you grew up in a family where expressing
feelings was strongly discouraged. As an adult, you may have a hard time
acknowledging feelings other than anger.
Clues that there’s something more to your anger
§ You have a hard time
compromising. Is it hard for you to understand other people’s points of view,
and even harder to concede a point? If you grew up in a family where anger was
out of control, you may remember how the angry person got his or her way by
being the loudest and most demanding. Compromising might bring up scary
feelings of failure and vulnerability.
§ You have trouble
expressing emotions other than anger. Do you pride yourself on being tough and in
control, never letting your guard down? Do you feel that emotions like fear,
guilt, or shame don’t apply to you? Everyone has those emotions, and if you
think you don’t, you may be using anger as a cover for them.
§ You view different
opinions and viewpoints as a personal challenge to you. Do you believe that your
way is always right and get angry when others disagree? If you have a strong
need to be in control or a fragile ego, you may interpret other perspectives as
a challenge to your authority, rather than simply a different way of looking at
things.
If you are uncomfortable with many emotions,
disconnected, or stuck on an angry one-note response to everything, it might do
you some good to get back in touch with your feelings. Emotional awareness is
the key to self-understanding and success in life. Without the ability to
recognize, manage, and deal with the full range of human emotions, you’ll
inevitably spin into confusion, isolation, and self-doubt.
Some
Dynamics of Anger
Ø
We
become more angry when we are stressed and body resources are down.
Ø
We
are rarely ever angry for the reasons we think.
Ø
We
are often angry when we didn't get what we needed as a child.
Ø
We
often become angry when we see a trait in others we can't stand in ourselves.
Ø
Underneath
many current angers are old disappointments, traumas, and triggers.
Ø
Sometimes
we get angry because we were hurt as a child.
Ø
We
get angry when a current event brings up an old unresolved situation from the
past.
Ø
We
often feel strong emotion when a situation has a similar content, words or
energy that we have felt before.
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