Research shows that while you’re
worrying, you temporarily feel less anxious. Running over the problem in your
head distracts you from your emotions and makes you feel like you’re getting
something accomplished. But worrying and problem solving are two very different
things.
Problem solving involves
evaluating a situation, coming up with concrete steps for dealing with it, and
then putting the plan into action. Worrying, on the other hand, rarely leads to
solutions. No matter how much time you spend dwelling on worst-case scenarios,
you’re no more prepared to deal with them should they actually happen.
Distinguish between solvable and unsolvable worries
If a worry pops into your head, start by asking yourself whether
the problem is something you can actually solve. The following questions can
help:
§ Is the
problem something you’re currently facing, rather than an imaginary what-if?
§ If the
problem is an imaginary what-if, how likely is it to happen? Is your concern
realistic?
§ Can you
do something about the problem or prepare for it, or is it out of your control?
Productive, solvable worries are those you can take action on
right away. For example, if you’re worried about your bills, you could call
your creditors to see about flexible payment options. Unproductive, unsolvable
worries are those for which there is no corresponding action. “What if I get
cancer someday?” or “What if my kid gets into an accident?”
If the worry is solvable, start brainstorming. Make a list of
all the possible solutions you can think of. Try not to get too hung up on
finding the perfect solution. Focus on the things you have the power to change,
rather than the circumstances or realities beyond your control. After you’ve
evaluated your options, make a plan of action. Once you have a plan and start
doing something about the problem, you’ll feel much less worried.
Dealing with unsolvable worries
But what if the worry isn’t
something you can solve? If you’re a chronic worrier, the vast majority of your
anxious thoughts probably fall in this camp. In such cases, it’s important to
tune into your emotions.
As previously mentioned,
worrying helps you avoid unpleasant emotions. Worrying keeps you in your head,
thinking about how to solve problems rather than allowing yourself to feel the
underlying emotions. But you can’t worry your emotions away. While you’re
worrying, your feelings are temporarily suppressed, but as soon as you stop,
the tension and anxiety bounces back. And then, you start worrying about your
feelings, “What’s wrong with me? I shouldn’t feel this way!”
The only way out of this
vicious cycle is by learning to embrace your feelings. This may seem scary at
first because of negative beliefs you have about emotions. For example, you may
believe that you should always be rational and in control, that your feelings
should always make sense, or that you shouldn’t feel certain emotions, such as
fear or anger.
The truth is that
emotions—like life—are messy. They don’t always make sense and they’re not
always pleasant. But as long as you can accept your feelings as part of being
human, you’ll be able to experience them without becoming overwhelmed and learn
how to use them to your advantage. The following tips will help you find a
better balance between your intellect and your emotions.
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